


I Needed You Until I Didn't

by s3471g3r12



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Character Death, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28146597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s3471g3r12/pseuds/s3471g3r12
Summary: Oikawa and Iwaizumi are college freshman living together in a dorm. Oikawa has an eating disorder, and Iwaizumi tries to help despite his lack of experience with the subject.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	1. PLEASE READ BEFOREHAND

BEFORE YOU READ, PLEASE HEED MY WARNINGS AND ADVICE. 

This may contain very triggering content for anyone who has an eating disorder or has ever had an eating disorder. 

TW Mentions: Restriction, hunger pains, purging. HOWEVER, I do not mention specific numbers (no weights, no heights, not any form of body measurements). 

I have had an eating disorder for 5+ years, so this is fairly realistic (it is for me, but everyone’s eating disorder varies in some way—even if it’s the same type). 

In this fan fiction, Oikawa has EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). He engages in restriction habits and purging, but he is at a “healthy” weight according to his BMI. But clearly, his mind is not in a “healthy” spot at all. 

I want to use this story and these characters to spread awareness about the reality of eating disorders, and how they can be extremely dangerous at any weight. Even doctors I’ve directly spoken to have dismissed the severity of my eating disorder because of my weight, but eating disorders are mental. You do not always have to be underweight to have one. I hope everyone reading this feels like they understand eating disorders a bit more through my story. 

The idea for this began one night when I was really struggling with my eating, so I decided to vent my frustrations through Oikawa (I don’t really know if that makes sense, but my therapist encouraged me to do so seeing as it helped me feel better).

YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN ANY OF YOUR STRUGGLES. Here are some resources in case you need support. 

UNITED STATES-

Eating Disorder Hotline:  
Call: (800) 931-2237   
Monday-Thursday: 11A.M.-9P.M. E.T.,   
Friday: 11A.M.-5P.M. E.T.  
Text: (800) 931-2237   
Monday-Thursday: 3P.M.-6P.M. E.T. 

Crisis Text Line:   
Text “NEDA” to 741741

UK-

Helpline: 0808 801 0677  
Studentline: 0808 801 0811  
Youthline: 0808 801 0711  
Monday-Friday: 9A.M.-8P.M.  
Saturday and Sunday: 4P.M.-8P.M.

If you don’t live in either, don’t hesitate to search for resources in your area. These are just the ones I know/am familiar with. 

With all of that being said, please enjoy my fanfic!


	2. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the chapters will be longer than this.

Water rapidly rushed into Iwaizumi’s lungs. His legs struggled to fight against the current. He couldn’t breathe. Panicking, he stretched an arm as far up out of the water as he could, attempting to grasp at a hand that was not there. Darkness spotted his vision. As weakness sank its teeth into his limbs, Iwaizumi gradually slowed his movement until he began to drift to the bottom.

_This is oddly peaceful_ , he thought. The initial anxiety had subsided as he accepted his fate. Heart stuttering, then stopping completely.

Iwaizumi jerked up from his sleep, sitting upright and gasping for air. It took him a handful of seconds to collect himself and realize where he was—alone.

Ah.

He thought the nightmare was bad. Reality was much grimmer.


	3. Loving Oikawa

Iwaizumi was absolutely infatuated with Oikawa. There was never a doubt about that. Seeing Oikawa suffering hurt Iwaizumi, but he never knew how to approach helping Oikawa.

They had been roommates since they started college. Moving in was awkward, considering the fact that there was one room for both of them. Even though there were two beds, sharing a space created a thick tension in the air. But Iwaizumi thought maybe he was the only one who took notice because Oikawa was his crush. He had no reason to suspect Oikawa had reciprocated his feelings, so why would he feel tense, too?

To make things homier for each of them, they split the room in half. The left side belonged to Iwaizumi while the right belonged to Oikawa. Anyone who knew the boys’ personalities could tell whose side was whose. The left wall was incredibly plain. Iwaizumi had organized his school materials neatly on his desk, even going so far as to color code his files. He also made it a part of his daily routine to make his bed in the early mornings before going on a jog around campus. By the time Iwaizumi usually made it back to the dorm room, he had to prepare for his classes.

Oikawa was usually still asleep at this time; running late for classes was a hobby of his at this point. Nerdy posters coated the right wall of the dorm (consisting of—but not limited to—alien films, space diagrams, and Star Wars art prints). Although Oikawa’s desk was visibly less organized than Iwaizumi’s, Oikawa could still find anything he needed with ease. Every time Iwaizumi gave him a hard time for being messy, Oikawa would pout and say, “At least I don’t have a stick up my ass like you, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa usually received a flick to the forehead after this, which only provoked him to whine. Iwaizumi found it entertaining.

* * *

Iwaizumi had been jogging from 6-8 A.M. and now needed to leave the dorm to attend his classes, but he couldn’t help gazing at Oikawa from the edge of his bed. He couldn’t recall for the life of him when this disease started to overtake Oikawa, but Iwaizumi felt his heart clench at the state of his best friend.

He stood up, took a few strides, and then knelt at Oikawa’s bedside. Oikawa was paler than usual today, and he seemed to be shivering in spite of the many blankets he cocooned himself in. His body had become weak, and although he tried to hide it, Iwaizumi took notice quickly.

[Flashback]

Oikawa had walked into the dorm room after his classes one day, panting loudly. Iwaizumi hadn’t glanced at the door soon enough to see Oikawa, but he heard when Oikawa flopped onto his bed.

“What’s wrong with you? Did you run here from your classes?” Iwaizumi asked, swiveling in his chair to face Oikawa.

“It’s none of your business,” Oikawa mumbled into his pillow.

Iwaizumi scoffed but retrieved a water bottle from their shared aluminum mini-fridge, which sat about a foot to the left of Iwaizumi’s desk, tossing it onto the bed near Oikawa’s face and sitting back down in his chair.

“Don’t go passing out on me.”

Oikawa lifted his head up from the pillow to shoot Iwaizumi a smirk and taunted, “Awe, Iwa-chan does care!”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi turned his chair back to face his desk in a single fluid motion, expression hidden from Oikawa as he bit back a grin.

[End of Flashback]

Iwaizumi sighed, wondering how Oikawa’s eating habits spiraled out of control like this. His thoughts were interrupted by Oikawa’s fluttering eyelids.

Oikawa rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands and stretched before glancing up to meet Iwaizumi’s gaze.

“Um, hi?” Oikawa muttered sleepily, a hint of laughter in his tone. He propped himself up on his pillow with his right elbow, hand cupped around his cheek. “Do I look attractive in my sleep or what?” he teased with a small smile.

Iwaizumi coughed and turned his eyes to the floor, a light pink tint spreading across his face. _His bed head looks adorable._

“I’m gonna be late for class, so I should probably head out…” He looked back at Oikawa. His elbow was shaking on the pillow. Iwaizumi frowned.

Oikawa noticed the slight change in Iwaizumi’s disposition, and the corners of his mouth dropped south. “You don’t have to pity me, you know?” He adjusted to sit upwards, looking down at Iwaizumi still kneeling on the floor to the right of him.

“I don’t pity you, Oikawa. I just don’t like seeing you self-destruct like this.” Iwaizumi reached for Oikawa’s hand, but Oikawa gently pushed it away.

Iwaizumi felt goosebumps form on his hand from the coolness of Oikawa’s touch, which only served to deepen Iwaizumi’s worries.

“You’re going to be late to class. Please go.” Oikawa seemed to be staring at a random point on the floor away from Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi sighed and stood up, his eyes not moving from Oikawa’s face. The dark circles settling under Oikawa’s eyes disturbed him, but the man was stunning regardless.

“Yeah, I’ll head out. But we’re talking when I get back.” Iwaizumi picked up his backpack from off the floor where it had been leaning against the side of his desk, pushing his arms through the straps. “I’m not going to sit by and let you go down this dark path, got it?”

Oikawa didn’t say anything as Iwaizumi ruffled Oikawa’s hair and left the room.


	4. Loving Iwaizumi

While Iwaizumi had been in his classes, Oikawa stayed in the dorm to catch up on his coursework. Because of all the classes he had been skipping, his grades were slipping, which he truly wanted to fix. He held himself to high expectations, but his mental state had been dwindling. Nowadays, he struggled to remember anything—big or small—and studying felt like a chore. 

Oikawa sat at his desk, skimming the words in his textbook; however, even though he could see the words laid out before him, his brain didn’t process any of it. Something wasn’t connecting. He groaned, resting his head in his palms. The root cause of this issue was clear to Oikawa, but he couldn’t go about fixing it. Not yet. 

His stomach rumbled, making Oikawa roll his eyes and pop a piece of gum into his mouth. He was so angry that he had to feel this way. He felt suffocated by his own expectations and didn’t know how to stop the war in his mind. Oikawa never knew what he wanted to do with his life. He put his all into his studies, but he wasn’t passionate enough to get lost in them. His grades used to be spectacular, but the excitement from receiving those grades was always short-lived, so he put less care into them as time went on and his motivation took a huge hit. 

What he realized at this point was that he felt lost. Everyone around him had long-term goals that they were working towards, but he had been stuck in the same uncertainty for years.

“Fuck,” he mumbled, letting a sad laugh slip through his lips. 

Instead of focusing on the things he couldn’t change about his situation, Oikawa directed his focus to his outward appearance. His eating habits. What he could control. 

[Flashback]

It started with him skipping lunch to work on essays. But he realized if he didn’t need lunch, he could use breakfast time to study, too. He had reduced his intake to just dinner, pouring all of his energy into school. Iwaizumi had noticed that something seemed off with Oikawa at the time, but he didn’t bring it up until Oikawa’s legs gave out in their dorm room.

“Fuck, are you okay?” Iwaizumi asked, shoving himself off of his desk chair to kneel down next to Oikawa’s face. 

“Ugh, that...didn’t really feel good,” Oikawa muttered, pinching his nose with his index finger and thumb. “I have a bit of a headache.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Iwaizumi sighed, eyebrows drawn together in concern. He gently placed the back of his left hand on Oikawa’s forehead. “You don’t feel warm. What’s been going on lately, Oikawa? You’re a mess.”

“Am I a hot mess, at least?” Oikawa grinned, peering up at Iwaizumi. But Iwaizumi could see how tired Oikawa was, his grin not as bright as usual. 

“Stop joking around. I’m being serious.” Iwaizumi grunted in frustration. _Fine. If he doesn’t want to take care of himself, I’ll do it for him_ , he thought.

Iwaizumi straightened upwards, bent down, and scooped Oikawa up into his arms.

“Woah! I could’ve used a heads-up,” Oikawa practically yelled in shock, blushing. 

Iwaizumi ignored him as he dropped Oikawa onto his bed. 

“You probably wouldn’t have let me do this for you, but you’re clearly too weak to do much on your own. You need to rest.”

Oikawa opened his mouth to argue, but Iwaizumi clamped his hand over it. 

“No. Listen to me. You’re doing too much. Stop overworking yourself. At the very least, take today off.”

Oikawa nodded, but Iwaizumi hadn't removed his hand in time before Oikawa licked it. 

“Ugh, you’re so gross,” he mumbled, turning away to hide the embarrassment spreading across his face. 

Oikawa snorted. “I guess you like gross.”

Iwaizumi’s lips curled into a smile. _Yeah, I guess I do._

After that, Oikawa tried to increase his food intake to replenish his energy and not worry Iwaizumi, but at this point, he felt sick eating more than his usual tiny portions. He had been restricting for so long that his stomach had shrunk. 

[End of Flashback]

It had been a few months since then, and he never could bring himself to eat more than usual until today. Oikawa glanced at the clock, realizing some of his assignments were going to be late if he didn’t pull himself together. 

“Fuck it.” He grabbed his phone and called for delivery food that he didn’t normally allow himself to eat. Not that he didn’t eat junk food sometimes; he just kept his caloric intake at a certain level. 

As soon as he hung up, he swore to himself, the anxiety bubbling up from deep within him. 

_Why did I just do that? I’m supposed to restrict today. Are you kidding me? I’m such a fucking failure for even ordering this shit._

His mind ran in circles until the food arrived at the lobby. After paying and leaving the driver a tip, he returned to his room and sat at his desk, shoving some books and binders aside to make space for his meal. Once again, his stomach rumbled, but it felt much more intense this time as the scent of the food carried to Oikawa’s nose. 

He gradually opened the box as if it was going to hurt him, revealing a freshly made extra cheesy pizza. It came with a bunch of breadsticks, too, making Oikawa feel more nervous than prior to peeking at the contents. 

His heart was racing as he picked up the first slice of pizza, closing his eyes as he brought it to his mouth for a bite. 

Once he began to chew, he felt as if his taste buds were going to burst. He hadn’t allowed himself pizza in what felt like forever. 

“Oh my god..” Oikawa breathed, mouth still full before finishing the slice. 

Now that he had one piece down, an insatiable hunger had grown within his stomach. 

During the next few hours, the entire pizza and all of the breadsticks ended up in Oikawa's stomach. 

He leaned back in his chair, the realization of what he did hitting him suddenly now that the high—the rush of energy he got from the food—was gone. 

Tears started pouring from Oikawa’s eyes, which were now wide with disbelief. 

“Why the fuck did I do that? What the hell was that just now?” He went to stand up from his desk chair and hunched over, groaning. The bloat made him feel sore and limited his range of comfortable movement. 

Oikawa waddled to the bathroom branching off from his side of the dorm, clutching his stomach.

The first thing noticeable in the bathroom is the sink, which is located directly across from the door after entering. To the left of the sink is the toilet, and to the left of the toilet is the shower.

Oikawa quickly shed his clothes and laid them in a pile on the right edge of the sink. His scale was located parallel from the toilet against the same wall as the bathroom door. 

He kicked the scale awake and stepped on, looking to the ceiling out of nervousness. Oikawa needed to see the damage he’d done to himself. Although he was well aware that most of the weight gained would be water and food weight and would come off in a few days, he wanted to punish himself with the number to deter him from eating that much again in the future. 

The scale beeped with finality, so Oikawa bit his lip and glanced down at it. 

His heart dropped to his stomach. 

_No way..This can’t be real._

Oikawa’s breathing picked up speed. He stepped off of the scale, waiting until the number disappeared, and then turned it back on to step on it again. 

He repeated this many times, refusing to accept that he had put on so much weight from this one binge. Once he saw the same disappointing number seven times in a row, he leaned against the wall next to him and sank to the floor.

The crying had stopped, but he was hyperventilating now. Face heating up. Palms sweating. He felt like he was dying. 

_I_ _need to do something to fix this._

His eyes darted around the room, trying to come up with a way to get rid of this mistake. 

Oikawa stared at the toilet. He used the little strength he had to crawl over to it, resting his arm on the edge of the seat. Taking deep breaths, he steadied himself above the toilet bowl, looking down into the water. His stomach was cramping painfully from all the food he ate. 

_Yet another reminder that you can’t do anything right_ , Oikawa thought in disgust at himself. 

He began to shake slightly. 

_What if this doesn’t work? No. I can’t be thinking that. I have to do this. Make it work._

Eventually, it did work, and Oikawa repeatedly forced the food up.

But he overdid it. He kept at it for hours even though it was pointless after the first one passed. Any remaining food after this point was digested. 

Oikawa flushed the toilet and leaned away until his bare back made contact with the cool tile of the floor. He used the back of his left hand to wipe away the saliva around his mouth, his eyes still watering and nose beginning to run. 

He groaned. His chest hurt. Bad. And the taste in his mouth was vile. Oikawa opted to brush his teeth later so that the stomach acid wouldn’t fuck up his pearly whites. 

Once he caught his breath, he sat up and used the rim of the toilet seat to hoist himself into a standing position. Wobbling a little, he inched to the right of the toilet to body check in the mirror over the sink. 

_God, I look bloated to all hell_ , he thought sadly. After viewing himself from all kinds of angles, sucking in and not, he tugged his clothes onto his body and walked back out into the main room and froze. 

Iwaizumi was sitting on the edge of the bed, gaze fixated on the carpet beneath his feet. 

"Hey, I didn’t know you were back,” Oikawa spoke up, trying to force as much pep into his voice as possible. 

Iwaizumi didn’t move. “It’s already 1 o’clock.”

“Wait, are you serious?” Oikawa twisted his neck to look down at the edge of his computer screen, and it only confirmed Iwaizumi’s statement. “Fuck. I totally missed the deadline for my paper.” 

When Oikawa moved to sit down in his chair, Iwaizumi stood up and finally lifted his eyes to meet Oikawa’s. Oikawa flinched slightly, surprised by the suddenness of Iwaizumi’s movements. 

“Did you throw up?” Iwaizumi inquired as he moved nearer to Oikawa until the latter could feel Iwaizumi’s breath on him. He shivered. 

Oikawa wanted to lie, but he knew Iwaizumi would see right through him. 

_I should just make up some kind of excuse since he’s already onto me,_ he pondered. 

“Yeah, I did. I think I have food poisoning,” Oikawa fibbed.

Iwaizumi squinted up at him. Oikawa squinted back. 

“I can tell you’re lying,” Iwaizumi moved to sit back down on his bed. 

Oikawa moved to Iwaizumi’s side, sitting close enough that their legs touched. He leaned forward a tad and picked at his own fingernails nervously. 

“Iwa-chan…” Oikawa started, voice already quivering. 

_How does one go about asking for help? Is there even a way to get help for this? I feel so embarrassed. What if he doesn’t believe me because I’m not underweight?_

Iwaizumi noticed Oikawa’s fidgeting fingers and grabbed his hands to intertwine with his own. 

Oikawa paused before leaning on Iwaizumi’s left shoulder. Tears fought their way down Oikawa’s cheeks, dripping onto Iwaizumi’s t-shirt. Iwaizumi didn’t seem to mind as Oikawa’s body shook with silent sobs. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he murmured, turning his face to blow his nose into Iwaizumi’s fabric. 

Iwaizumi prepared an endearing insult to call Oikawa, but he decided against it. 

_Oikawa is opening up to me. This is clearly serious. I need to be more considerate with what I say right now._

Oikawa felt pressure on the top of his head as Iwaizumi raked his fingers through Oikawa’s soft, fluffy hair. 

“I want you to know that I’m going to support you no matter what,” Iwaizumi affirmed. He took a deep breath and continued. “I can’t stand seeing you like this. It’s..physically painful for me. So please,” he paused to slightly tug up on Oikawa’s hair, forcing him to look into Iwaizumi’s eyes, “Let me help you.”

Oikawa’s crying halted to mere sniffles as he marveled at his best friend. His eyes reminded Oikawa of olives. Isn't it lucky Oikawa actually likes olives? His eyes dipped to Iwaizumi’s lips, but he decided against making a move. 

_He’ll think I’m weird. And I’m sure my breath reeks from the vomit_ , Oikawa rationalized with himself.

He settled for a tight hug around Iwaizumi’s waist before resting his head on the other's lap. A deep inhale from Iwaizumi indicated that he was caught off guard, but after a second, he adjusted and found himself comfortingly tracing shapes on Oikawa’s back. 

Oikawa didn’t realize that Iwaizumi was tracing ‘I love you’, but Iwaizumi was fine with that. All he wanted was for Oikawa to let him help with the situation, and he was sure any kind of serious relationship would get in the way of his self-growth.

  
  



	5. Remedy

Oikawa and Iwaizumi stayed like that for a while, basking in each other’s presence and enjoying the comfortable silence; however, Iwaizumi wasn’t going to let the topic get lost in the affection.

He coughed, pausing his tracing. “Oikawa.”

Oikawa’s shoulders visibly tensed. “Yeah, Iwa-chan?”

“We should talk about it now.” Iwaizumi patted Oikawa’s back, and Oikawa sat up. Iwaizumi frowned seeing the redness under Oikawa’s eyes. All he wanted was to kiss him better, but he refrained. 

Oikawa nodded without a word. 

“I don’t really know where to start,” Iwaizumi admitted embarrassedly with a small smile.

Oikawa sighed. “I don’t think there’s a good way to explain this. I guess I just have this urge to eat too little or apparently too much like today,” he shared, gesturing to the empty pizza box still slightly ajar on his desk. 

Iwaizumi glanced at it. “Okay, I need you to be honest with me. Did you throw it up on purpose?”

Oikawa turned away, grimacing in shame. He felt Iwaizumi tug on his right hand, which had been lying on the bed. 

“Yeah, I did it on purpose,” he barely choked out. 

Iwaizumi rested his head on Oikawa’s back, grip tightening around his fingers. 

“I’m not mad at you. Or upset in the least.” He closed his eyes, soaking in the scent and letting his head rise and fall with Oikawa’s shaky breathing. “Do you know why you’re doing this to yourself? I mean, you need food to survive. Are you trying to lose weight? There are healthier ways to go about that, and I can help you. You know that, right?”

Oikawa let out a small chuckle. “Can we go over one question at a time?”

Iwaizumi mentally slapped himself. “Yeah, of course. I’m sorry.” He didn’t want to mess up this opportunity. 

Oikawa shifted himself to face Iwaizumi’s front again. “I couldn’t tell you why I do this to myself. I guess it’s all I have going for me.” He scrunched his nose. “In some twisted way that I don’t fully understand, it makes me feel accomplished and proud of myself.”

“So it’s like chasing some kind of success high?” Iwaizumi observed.

Oikawa tilted his face up in thought. “Actually, yeah.” He smiled back at Iwaizumi. “You’re quick to understand, Iwa-chan.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Iwaizumi played it off, but he had felt his heart jump in his chest at Oikawa’s compliment. He kept reprimanding himself internally.  _ Now is not the time to be feeling like this.  _ “Even if we don’t completely understand what’s causing this feeling for you, we can create a game plan to help you correct this disordered way of viewing food and yourself.”

“Yeah, right. I’ve tried so many different ways to cope with this, but nothing has worked,” Oikawa scoffed. 

“You didn’t have me helping you,” Iwaizumi deadpanned. 

“I mean, you’re right...but still.”

“Stop being so stubborn for just a second, will ya?” Iwaizumi moaned, sort of agitated. “Please. All I want is to be here for you. If you don’t have faith in yourself, at least have faith in me.”

Oikawa frowned but stopped trying to fight back. 

“Okay...Under one condition.”

“What is it?” Iwaizumi questioned. 

“You can’t force me to do or not do anything. You’re here to assist me in getting through this, but there are boundaries.”

“Alright. That sounds reasonable.”  _ We’re finally getting somewhere.  _

At least, that’s what he thought at the time. He didn’t realize how stressful it would actually be to guide his friend down the right path. 

* * *

The two had gone back to their usual schedules for the night after their serious conversation. When the next day rolled around, Oikawa’s studying was interrupted when he heard a loud buzz from Iwaizumi’s phone. He pushed his feet off the ground, gradually spinning his chair until he faced Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi did the same in order to face Oikawa. 

“What was that for?” Oikawa asked, looking at his watch. It was unusual for Iwaizumi to have an alarm set for 10 in the morning, considering it was a Saturday. He knew the other didn’t have any classes on the weekend. And even though he still went for his daily jogs, those were done at the ass crack of dawn. 

Iwaizumi gave a shy smile. “It’s time for breakfast.”

Oikawa’s mouth dropped open slightly before he snapped it shut and shook his head.

“Uh, you go ahead and eat breakfast. I’m going to keep studying.”

“Oikawa, please. You don’t even have to eat that much.” Iwaizumi bit the inside of his cheek. 

Oikawa debated this.  _ If it isn’t a lot, it shouldn’t be too damaging to my progress, right? What if he’s lying, and it’s actually something high calorie? _

“You’re overthinking again.” Iwaizumi’s voice cut through Oikawa’s thoughts.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Iwaizumi stood up and moved over to the mini-fridge. “Here. This is small. Hopefully it’ll be easy for you to eat.” He pulled out two yogurt cups and placed one on the corner of Oikawa’s desk. 

“Are you having one, too, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked, feeling a lot more nervous today than yesterday somehow. 

“Yeah. If that makes you feel more comfortable,” Iwaizumi reassured. He grabbed two spoons from the utensil rack located atop the mini fridge and handed one to Oikawa who gingerly accepted it. 

Iwaizumi sat in his desk chair once more. He popped open the yogurt and looked up at Oikawa. “Would it help if we took bites together?”

Oikawa felt like life wasn’t real as he picked up his yogurt. “Yeah, actually..” he trailed off, lost in thought. 

_ Why did Iwa-chan seem so familiar with disordered eating already? _

Iwaizumi noticed the confusion on Oikawa’s features and grinned to himself.  _ Cute.  _

“I did my research,” he declared proudly. “How am I supposed to assist you without any background knowledge?”

Tears pricked the edges of Oikawa’s eyes, but he quickly rubbed them away. Not wanting Oikawa to distract him from the task at hand, Iwaizumi scooped some of the light pink, strawberry yogurt into his spoon’s cusp. 

Oikawa tried to discreetly look at the calories listed on the side of the cup, but Iwaizumi noticed. “You can look at the calories, Oikawa.”

Oikawa cringed, knowing he had been caught red-handed. Iwaizumi was quick to comfort him. “When I looked up recovery techniques, a lot of them said to hide the calorie content. But in my mind, that didn’t make sense. You’re going to see calories listed at fast food places and restaurants; forcing you away from that stuff will only make you more freaked out when you have to confront it again. What we should do is get you used to it instead. We’re going to take this slow, okay?”

Now Oikawa couldn’t hold in the droplets escaping his tear ducts. 

“I think I’m ready,” he hesitantly mumbled. 

Iwaizumi beamed. “Okay. I’m right here, alright?”

Iwaizumi counted down to zero, and they both took a bite. They repeated this process until they were left with empty cups. Breakfast had been scary without Iwaizumi. Maybe all Oikawa needed was some support to heal.

  
  



	6. One Step Forward, Leaps Back

Iwaizumi and Oikawa resumed working after each meal. Oikawa was able to eat half of lunch, which was a sandwich thrown together by Iwaizumi, and all of dinner, which was a small pack of M&M’s. Iwaizumi didn’t want to admit it, but he was very hungry. He usually ate a lot more—especially after his morning runs—but he wanted to be on a schedule with Oikawa for a few days and slowly increase both of their intakes. He figured it would help Oikawa feel less abnormal, so he sucked it up and settled for drinking supplemental nutritional drinks when Oikawa was distracted with coursework. 

The next day rolled around, and unfortunately, things did not go nearly as well. 

Oikawa woke up and felt gross. After the binge on Friday and the three “meals” he had on Saturday, his confidence had dipped to an all-time low. 

He glanced at the clock on the wall above his desk and furrowed his eyebrows.  _ How was he up at 3 A.M.? _

Regardless, he quietly sat up and gazed at Iwaizumi from the edge of his bed. Warmth flooded into his face. The moonlight shone through the window in the wall located between their beds, illuminating Iwaizumi’s face in a bright shine.  _ He’s beautiful. Inside and out. He looks so peaceful like this. _

It didn’t take much for his mood to crash.  _ I wonder if he thinks I’m fat and ugly deep down. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t love me back. Shit.  _

Oikawa clutched at the hem of his shirt.  _ No. Why would he think that? He’s trying to help me get better.  _ His anxiety soared, mind overrun by irrational thoughts. He knew they were irrational, but he couldn’t seem to shake them. 

He padded his way to the bathroom and locked the door behind him before splashing cold water on his face. Oikawa stared at his reflection and puffy cheeks.  _ Must have been from the purging _ . His stomach growled, and he pouted. The hunger pains were strong today, and he wasn’t sure why. He thought he’d be able to impress Iwaizumi if he could force the thoughts back and eat a snack. It was scary to him, but Iwaizumi was working hard to research and help Oikawa, so Oikawa needed to work just as hard if not harder than him. 

He poked his head out of the bathroom, making sure Iwaizumi was still asleep. He tentatively snatched a chocolate bar from the mini fridge and sat down at his computer desk. Chocolate always tasted better to Oikawa when it was slightly cool, and apparently Iwaizumi felt the same seeing as he was the one to buy a pack of chocolate bars when they were on sale and stock the fridge with them. 

Unwrapping the bar was a painfully slow process, but Oikawa didn’t want to rush this. But once he got a bite of the sweet taste, he scarfed the rest of it down. His stomach pleaded for more. 

_ One more couldn’t hurt, right? _

Oikawa grabbed one more. And then another. And another. Until he had eaten all of the chocolate bars they had. 

He ended up eating almost the entirety of their snacks in the next hour. 

He felt sick at the sight of 12 chocolate wrappers, 3 of Iwaizumi’s protein bars, and a bag of popcorn—all empty—sprawled across his desk. Again, that sinking feeling of regret and shame seeped into his heart. His stomach hurt much worse than when he binged on the pizza.  _ Fuck, how many calories was this? _

Oikawa glanced at Iwaizumi. _I can't wake him up. He expects better from me now._

He wrapped his arms around his sides as if giving himself a hug, trudged to the bathroom and tried not to cry loudly enough to wake Iwaizumi. 

As he kneeled down to the toilet, he lost balance and fell. His cheek met the tile. He grit his teeth and bit his hand, silencing the raspy sobs from escaping his throat. He tried to convince himself that he was going to be okay, but that plan fell through almost immediately. The pain and heat spread through his body rapidly. If he thought he was dying the last time he binged, this felt like he had died and was residing in the pits of Hell. 

_ I need to purge now. I feel like I’ll throw up, regardless, with all this food in my system. Iwa-chan shouldn’t be too mad since I ate way more than the average person should..Right? _

He released his hand from his mouth and pushed himself up off the floor, proceeding to stare into the toilet water once more.  _ I won’t do it again after this, Iwa-chan. I want to make you proud.  _

Oikawa stuck his fingers down his throat, gagging and coughing. His eyes immediately watered up.  _ This is worth it. Suck it up, and you won’t have to do this again. Iwaizumi will forgive you and help you through this. _

The thought made Oikawa smile around his fingers as he purged. 

He knew it would be the last time he purged because he was determined to work harder and do better for himself and Iwaizumi, but he didn’t realize what would actually make it his last time. 

* * *

Iwaizumi woke up to see that Oikawa wasn’t lying in his bed. He found it odd that he was waking up after Oikawa, considering Oikawa usually slept in on the weekends. 

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Tilting his head backwards into the ray of light streaming through the window, basking in its warmth, Iwaizumi chuckled to himself. 

_ It feels like Oikawa’s hugs. _

When he was awake enough to notice that Oikawa wasn’t seated at his desk either and there were empty boxes and wrappers in his place, Iwaizumi was on high alert. The hair on his arms and legs stood up from the rush of adrenaline. 

_ Oh god. He must be purging again. Fuck, why didn’t he wake me up? _ Iwaizumi’s thoughts ran rampant. He threw his blankets off of him, not bothering with making his bed. He anxiously knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Oikawa?” He called out. “I don’t want to force my way in, but listen, we can get through whatever you’re dealing with, ya hear?” 

Silence. 

“Please.” His shaky hand rested upon the door frame, sliding down to the knob.  _ It wouldn’t hurt to turn it and check if it’s even locked. _


	7. Denial

The first stage in the grieving process is denial. That’s exactly how Iwaizumi Hajime felt after pushing open the bathroom door. His heart was beating hard enough in his chest that he could hear it like drums pounding in his ears. 

His composure dropped as soon as he saw Oikawa slouched against the toilet. 

“OIKAWA.” He called out, frantic. Iwaizumi shook Oikawa, but when he released his grip on Oikawa’s shoulder, his body fell over. Iwaizumi was frozen in place. Oikawa was pale. A ghostly, grey kind of pale. He had been cold to the touch. 

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

Iwaizumi stumbled back to the main room, tearing through his once organized desk to retrieve his phone and call 911. After informing them of the situation, he ran back to Oikawa’s side, his vision blurring. 

_This can’t be happening. This isn’t Oikawa. We were doing so well yesterday._

Pulling Oikawa’s chilly body to his side, Iwaizumi rested his head in the crook of Oikawa’s neck. He caught sight of the contents still in the toilet and grimaced. He forced himself to face the other way.

Wisps of Oikawa’s soft hair brushed up against Iwaizumi’s nose and stuck to the tears there. 

“Fuck, don’t leave me now. You have so much potential, Oikawa.” He ignored the snot trailing down his face. He ignored the gross ugly crying he was doing at this point. All he wanted was for Oikawa to be saved. “We’ll find something you’re passionate about. I promise. Please” He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, clenching his hands wrapped around Oikawa into fists. “Because you’re the one I’m passionate about…I need you.” 

* * *

The ambulance had shown up and pronounced Oikawa dead at the scene. Medical officials stated that his little stomach couldn’t handle the binging, that it had stretched his stomach, and the purging caused it to tear open. 

It was the most gruesome thing Iwaizumi had ever heard. His legs gave out at the news. 

When he had come back to the room, after watching the ambulance take Oikawa away, he angrily shoved everything off of his desk and tossed out all of the empty wrappers and boxes on Oikawa’s.

_Oikawa..It hurts. I thought we were going to work through this. Together._

Iwaizumi fell asleep on the floor next to Oikawa’s desk that night. It was uncomfortable, but Oikawa’s scent was lingering on his computer chair. Iwaizumi had a hard time winding down until he recalled when they first moved into the dorm. Oikawa had plopped down into the computer chair and peer pressured Iwaizumi into spinning him around in it fast, arms shooting out like the wings of a bird—elegantly and confidently moving but energetic and carefree all the same. Iwaizumi’s memory of Oikawa’s bright smile and contagious—bordering obnoxious—laughter consumed his brain; it ate at his defenses. The first time he realized that what he felt towards Oikawa was love. 

  
  



	8. Epilogue

Iwaizumi’s once organized desk became a mess. Not an organized desk like Oikawa’s once was, but an unruly one where everything was misplaced and strewn across the floor in the surrounding area, as well. 

Iwaizumi paid extra for the school to let him have the dorm room to himself. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to try and replace Oikawa. No one could do that. He wouldn’t allow it. 

He began to sleep in Oikawa’s bed instead of his own, breathing in the smell of him barely hanging onto the sheets and pillow. Iwaizumi buried himself up to his nose in the blanket and let his eyes roam across Oikawa’s nerdy posters. He hadn’t bothered to take down anything of Oikawa’s. It felt as if he was still with him that way. As if he’d waltz in the door any day now and say that it was all an elaborate prank. 

Of course, if that did happen, Iwaizumi would be pissed. But nothing would top the overwhelming relief he’d feel upon seeing Oikawa smile again. 

He knew it wasn’t true, though. The image of Oikawa’s corpse burned itself into the back of his mind. His heart clenched in response. 

Iwaizumi spent the next years of his college life isolated in his dorm, mind constantly turning the scene over in his mind. He managed to graduate with a degree in sports science, even though his grades were consistently subpar after Oikawa’s death. His professors constantly berated him—telling him that it was time to “move on.”

_ How does one move on from this?  _ He wondered. 

Iwaizumi felt like the shell of a once functioning human being. The day he had to pack up his stuff and move out of the dorm was just another time of silent mourning for him. His eyes were blank as he turned towards the bathroom door one final time, carrying the last box out and shutting the door to the room behind him. He had packed Oikawa’s stuff with his, and Oikawa’s family was kind enough to let Iwaizumi keep some of Oikawa’s belongings, which Iwaizumi had been more than grateful for. 

* * *

Five years after graduation, Iwaizumi visited Oikawa’s burial site. He hadn’t attended the funeral. It would've been too much for him. Too stuffy. 

He sat with his legs criss-crossed in front of the tombstone, hands twitching in his lap, fiddling with the ring on his left hand—once lightweight but seemingly so heavy in the moment. Iwaizumi pulled out a handkerchief and dabbed at the beads of sweat on his forehead. Although it was spring, the sun was bearing down on him, causing him to heat up quickly in his sleek black suit. 

“Oikawa, even after all these years, I still don’t know what to say…” He paused. “Well, maybe I do, but I just can’t find the right words.”

Iwaizumi exhaled, shaking his head. “Guess I can’t do this after all.”

He moved to stand up but felt his phone vibrate, halting him mid-action. Iwaizumi pulled it out of his pocket, glancing down at the notification. 

It was his husband. 

**Hubby: Don’t chicken out, babe. You need the closure, remember?**

**** Iwaizumi smiled down at his phone and pocketed it again, descending back into a seated position. 

“You’re probably wondering who that is, huh? I can almost hear you spouting overprotective drivel.” He laughed to himself, laying down. “He’s a wonderful guy. He reminds me of you.”

There was a beat of silence before Iwaizumi frowned. “Don’t get the wrong idea. He’s amazing, and it’s not solely because you guys are sort of similar that I’m with him.” His heart ached as he mumbled, “You could never be replaced, Oikawa.”

Iwaizumi reminisced. 

“I’ve asked myself every day what I did to make you feel like you couldn’t wake me up that night instead of going to the bathroom to purge. My family says I shouldn’t blame myself, but that’s not going to change the fact that I do.” He gulped. 

“Oikawa, there’s so much I regret not doing for you. I feel like I should’ve forced you to get better. You might not have liked it but..”  _ You wouldn’t be dead right now if I had _ were the unspoken words that had been grounded into Iwaizumi’s mind since then. 

“I don’t know if you could tell, but I loved you. The way your eyes sparkled up at mine. The way you held your breath watching those alien movies, yelling that those” Iwaizumi raised his hands and motioned quotations in the air, “scummy bastards need to run faster.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled. He dropped his hands back down to his sides; the smile quickly falling from his face as he slowly exhaled. “I didn’t get to tell you all of that, though.”

He closed his eyes against the sun. “I once had this nightmare that I was drowning not long after I moved out of the dorm. I tried to reach out for someone, but no one came to my aid and I sank to the bottom.” 

“I thought you were supposed to be there, Tooru,” Iwaizumi drawled, taking a deep inhale. “But I think someone else has rescued me.”

The wind pulled Iwaizumi’s hair into weird twists and tangles in the grass. He sat up, curling his knees to his chest and resting his chin on top of them. 

“I don’t remember what you look like anymore.”

Iwaizumi sat there for another hour without a word. Eyes empty. Chest empty. Void of emotions besides complete and utter numbness. 

His phone rang. “Iwaizumi,” he greeted matter-of-factly.

The other side of the phone responded gently, “It’s time to come home, honey.”

Iwaizumi stood up from the ground, brushing dirt and grass off his black slacks and combing his fingers through his now unruly hair. “Alright.”

He hung up the phone. “You’re shitty for leaving me, Oikawa.” With that, he walked to his car. He wasn’t going to say goodbye. He was going to go home and focus on the loved ones he still had by his side. 

He never visited the burial site again. Iwaizumi created a family with his husband and their adopted daughter. He lived out his dream as an athletic trainer. All of Oikawa’s belongings were stored in the attic of the house Iwaizumi’s family lived in, attracting dust as the years went by despite the traces of Oikawa’s scent and sarcastic remarks never once abandoning Iwaizumi’s mind. The only reason he could move on with life was because of his family. Iwaizumi had finally found someone he was passionate about again.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, wow, so I got 300 hits on this?? I only expected like 100 based on my old fan fictions (granted, they were never finished). But anyway, thank you all so much! Please leave feedback if you want to! It would be greatly appreciated. I'm working on more sad IwaOi, so it would be helpful to know what you liked or disliked or want to see more/less of, etc. If you made it to the end, I'm sending hugs your way. Ilysm!! Thanks for giving my work a chance. :)


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